Marriage can be hard, and boring, and monotonous. But who wants that? A great marriage means you have fun, enjoy one another, and it’s exciting! If you learn how to be your husband’s girlfriend, you can keep or bring back the excitement you had before you were married.
My parents were married 51 years before my mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. That’s a LONG time! I am so grateful that they taught me what a healthy, fun marriage looks like. It gave my husband and I a glimpse into what TO do. My husbands parents gave us a glimpse into what NOT to do. Here I’ll share what I’ve learned over the last 32 years of our marriage.
My hubs and I got married when I was 19 and he was 22. Yup, we were young. He was the first guy I dated and I was the first girl he dated. And we knew after 3 months of dating that we wanted to marry each other. I will certainly say that I don’t have this marriage thing all right. There have been lots of times in those 32 years where I wanted to run away. No marriage is perfect, and we are still and always will be a work in progress. But for the majority of our married life, it has been a blast. Here’s my insight into why.
Rose-colored glasses
Remember when you were dating how everything was new? You’re learning all about one another, you dress up to impress each other with your physical looks, you have long conversations about deep things, you make time for one another and go on dates, you put thought into serving each other, you’re kind and sweet and … then you get married and throw that all out the window. But why?
You get lazy and start to take one another for granted. Life goes on and you get busy making babies or investing in a career or both. Other things take precedence over time spent with each other, you don’t wear makeup anymore, or dress up, you’re tired and grouchy, you have short “information only” conversations, and who has time to serve the other when you’re busy feeding kids or running to meetings?
Would you do that as his girlfriend?
Over the 32 years of our married life, we raised 4 kids, built 2 houses, started a design business, Jim started a company that failed but ended up working as CTO of a company, flipped several houses, did ministry, and the list goes on an on. I get it – people are busy. But the greatest gift you can give yourself and your kids is a solid marriage. You are creating a legacy your kids will watch and hopefully emulate as they get married. Give them something to strive towards.
What does it look like to be his girlfriend?
Guys are pretty easy humans and have a very short list of wants from their wives. Sex and respect are the main ones. That’s a pretty easy list. If he had to make a list for me, it would a page long.
SEX
Honeymoon sex is the best, especially if you waited to have sex until you were married. Remember when sex was new? Hopefully my kids won’t cringe if they read this, but sex is a big part of marriage, especially for your hubs. They feel close to you and connect and it feeds their desires. Don’t starve them! Make them want to come home to you because you give them what they need. Listen to what they want. Look sexy. Smell delicious. Replay those early days of marriage … you’ll have them wrapped around your finger. 🙂
But it’s not all about sex. Let your hubs know you are thinking of him so his mind will never wander off you. Greet him with a kiss at the door, even if you have a baby on your hip. Make him feel desired by you. Again, men are pretty simple – they love this! Ask your man, he’ll tell you. Tell your man he’s hot and sexy and fill in the blank. Compliment him, a lot. Thank him for working his cute butt off to take care of your family. Fill him up so he never feels empty. Empty men fill themselves with things they shouldn’t.
Show physical attraction to your man in front of your kids. My kids will attest they saw plenty of kissing, butt smacking, and cuddling which did 2 things (besides make them say EW!). It made them secure in knowing their parents loved one another. This security goes a long way in a kids life. And it showed them what a healthy marriage looks like. My parents showed me this growing up, and Jim never saw his parents touch. You can read this blog and I talk more about how a marriage can affect your kids.
Men are visual people. They are attracted to beauty. I don’t expect moms who are raising kids to walk around in a dress and heels. And I know our men will love us no matter what we look like, but being a girlfriend is dolling up every now and then to remind them we can.
RESPECT
This is really important to men. The Bible tells us that men want respect (and women want love).
So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:33
God knew this because He created us! Have you ever disrespected your husband and you realized after how much you hurt him? Yup … been there many times!! This would be my husbands number one gripe with me – guilty as charged! It’s not a complicated concept, or one that we should find difficult to achieve. Just like when we ask for love, which we would say is well deserved, they should be able to ask for respect. Sure there are lots of times when I thought he DIDN’T deserve it, but I don’t see any accommodations in scripture that have a BUT listed after.
Generally speaking, if you are not married to a narcissist, if you respect your man, he will love you. And if he loves you, you’ll be more apt to respect him. Would you disrespect him when you were his girlfriend? Most dating couples are careful to show the other their best attributes. If you can respect your boyfriend, you should be able to respect your husband. And if you don’t, you’ll experience a hurt man.
Things I learned the hard way
Sure there are men out there who plan epic dates and are the “planners” of the couple. I didn’t marry one of those and most men would not fit that description. If you have a date planner as a husband, consider yourself blessed. I plan most things and then get burnt out with it and then get very grouchy with my husband that he doesn’t plan anything. We’ve certainly had these conversations a million times. I’ve expected him to change. He hasn’t. He has gotten better, and I’ve had to be ok with him putting less effort into that than I would like. It’s all about expectations. I still need to be the girlfriend even though this area doesn’t look like I would like. Dates are fun, so if I have to plan them so be it! Dating is a big part of keeping a marriage exciting and not getting into a boring funk. I don’t want boring.
Men want sweet wives. I can be feisty. I WANT to be sweet … and feisty. 🙂 Jim tells me my delivery solicits a response. I used to be wound up pretty tightly. I’d get angry easily, yell, ticked off at the smallest most ridiculous things. Looking back I wonder what had me in such a tizzy. Probably immaturity. Over the years I have recognized that in myself and taken on his much calmer demeanor. What a sense of freedom that is! Getting worked up over pretty much nothing is exhausting! I like this calm me. It makes for a much better wife.
There are some caveats
I’m writing this with readers in mind that are in reasonable healthy relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship, that is an entirely different conversation. If you are married to a narcissist, that is an entirely different conversation. Those situations require outside help from professionals. In either of those situations, what I said will not make a lick of difference. And if you are in one of those situations, you are WAY too precious and valuable to be in them. Seek help, please.
In conclusion
If you wonder if anything I said is true, have an honest conversation with your husband. I’ve asked Jim over the years what I do that drives him crazy (in a bad way) and what I do that drives him crazy (in a good way). It’s been eye opening to hear his answers and give him the freedom to be honest while I zip the lip. Ask the question only if you are willing to change. And don’t ask the question when you’re having a fight or not willing to change – that will only frustrate things.
We all want to live our lives with happiness and peace and enjoyment. Marrying your best friend and remaining to be his girlfriend long after you’re married is a gift. Give it to yourselves.
Dad says
Your Mom and I never went to sleep without saying “I love you” to each other. It immediately brought the temperature down if we were having an “issue”.
As you know, she was the family planner of all things social. I was very OK with that. For over 60 years (started dating when we were 12!), we were never separated except for a few times. We had plenty of fights for sure, but always made up. As I know now, life is short. Sadly, until I get to Heaven there will be no more together. Don’t let Satan steal the joy and happiness of a fun marriage.
Love you guys! ♥️ ♥️
jrnobilini says
I love this! Crazy thing, I don’t ever remember seeing you and mom fight. It was just such a calm, secure environment to grow up in which I am so grateful for and I hope my kids can say the same thing. I think Jim and I will adopt your bedtime ritual of saying I love you. Life is short, as I almost found out the hard way. Never waste a minute.