Are you lonely? You’re not alone

Are you lonely? These are crazy times … shutdowns, lockdowns, 6 feet apart, don’t see your people, isolate, zoom calls, visiting through windows … could it get any more lonely? Hate those you love, divide, separate, tear apart … these are the common messages of the day

Loneliness is a dark place, a very dark place. I’ve been there. I was there for far too long. But God showed me some things that I want to share with you, because life’s lessons are meant to be shared.

loneliness is like being in a desert

Deserts are typically vast swaths of land where you see no one or nothing … it’s a place no one wants to be because it’s hot, dry, uncomfortable, desolate, lonely. Sometimes you run into the desert to escape something or someone – like David, running from Saul. Sometimes you end up in the desert because you were wandering, and well, you just ended up there. Sometimes you are put there, think the Israelites.

My story is probably very common, but no one talks about these things.

I dedicated my life to being the best wife I could be and being the best mom I could be. I homeschooled, I ran a design business, I did ministry. I really took the Proverbs 31 woman very seriously. I had a few friends, a big family, a great church … but something was missing … something big. I had a huge hole that I tried filling with all of those things, and it would sometimes fill in but mostly felt empty. Loneliness became my everyday world, even though I was surrounded by people and things. Most people looked at my life like it was full, like I had everything I needed. Most people had no idea how I was drowning in loneliness.

My poor husband … I put so much pressure on him to fill this hole. How can someone fill a hole that big? They can’t. But I didn’t know that.

During these years, there was quite a bit of family dysfunction. In my mind, my family had abandoned me (in many ways they did), my husband had pulled away, my friends were distant. Looking back, I think God had maybe orchestrated that … because in order for me to learn what he was about to teach me, I needed to be stripped of the things I thought were my support, the people I put my trust in, the people I always went to in place of Him.

I grew up in a Christian home, with awesome parents who taught me biblical principles. Were they perfect … heck no. But I had a good foundation. The thing that was lacking was this … I knew Jesus, but I didn’t really know Him. Sure I had accepted Christ as my Savior, but I wasn’t in love with Him. There’s a difference.

my come to jesus meeting

When I turned 40 this all came to a head. My husband practically forgot about my birthday. I remember not really hearing from anyone on my birthday, one I thought should be celebrated – the big 4-0. Maybe that was selfish, but it was pivotal for me. I decided I needed to get out of this desert, but how? My grandparents lived in New Hampshire but had a house in Florida … you know, snowbirds. I decided I wanted to go stay in their empty New Hampshire house which had been “winterized” so I could have some time alone … that’s what lonely people want – to be alone. Counterintuitive right? They agreed that I could use their home to run to … and they were so confused – why would I want to do that?

I bundled up with sweaters and blankets and lots of hot tea. I brought my Bible and a few Christian fiction books. I had no idea what I would do, I just knew I needed to be alone … really alone. I’m not an emotional person. I rarely cry or show much emotion. But these next few days would be spent crying out to God, puffy eyes, seeking, searching, wondering how to get out of this dang desert. If anyone could see this scene they would be concerned. I’m actually crying writing this … the memories of this time will live with me forever. I asked God more questions in those few days than I have ever asked.

his answers

How sweet is it when God, who created the world, cares enough to answer my questions. This still blows my mind. It was as if He and I were together, alone, talking. I needed to be still and alone in my loneliness to hear His voice. Ever feel like there is so much noise in your life you couldn’t hear yelling never mind a whisper?

• God told me, loud and clear, that HE IS ALL I NEED. I had been wanting people to fill a hole only He could fill. People will always disappoint, but Jesus never does. People are fallible, Jesus is infallible. This phrase – He is all I need – has become something on repeat in my mind. I need to be reminded of this on a regular basis as people continue to disappoint.
• Jesus is the only one who can love unconditionally. I had felt for many years that I needed to be a certain way in order to be loved. Some of this was pressure I put on myself. Some of it was pressure others put on me – you need to act like WE want you to or you’re not good enough. We humans cannot love unconditionally even though we think we can. Sure the Holy Spirit can help us love others the way God does, but ultimately, we don’t. Know Jesus loves you with all your imperfections. Praise God for grace and mercy!!
• If you are lonely, fill yourself with Jesus! Scripture is the best way to do this. Even though I grew up as a believer and followed Jesus, I never took the time to read His Word. During my come to Jesus meeting, I committed to Him that I would read through the entirety of scripture in one year. I wanted to know the big picture … what is He telling us through the whole thing? So I did! My commitment was authentic … not just “let me get through this”. I wanted to learn about who God is and who Jesus is. I read the Bible like a novel, not paying attention to things I didn’t understand (which was A LOT!) and not reading commentaries or studies. I read it from Genesis to Revelation using The Daily Walk Bible. Oh. My. Word. This was a life changing experience for me. I got to see God’s love story in it’s entirety, not just pulling verses from here or there or studying this or that. When you really get to know God, and Jesus (I know they are one but they are also two), it changes the way you view them. When I said earlier I knew who Jesus was but didn’t love Him … well this experience was truly a love story. God showed me how much He truly loves me through His word. This changes everything! When you truly FEEL the love of God, that loneliness disappears. You can’t feel lonely when you know the Creator of the universe LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY! You gotta grasp that … it’s the most amazing feeling! That means whenever you are going through trials in your life, you know He’s got your back. Sometimes it may feel like He is the only one who has your back. If you read my post about misdiagnosis to miracle, you would see how this concept will get you through ANYTHING!
• Along with reading scripture, I began to develop a prayer life. Sure I would pray now and then … mostly when I needed something from God, or I was really happy about something He did for me, but I developed a habit of reading scripture and praying (journaling many of my prayers) daily. Read my post on prayer and why it changes you.

hope for the future

Looking back at these dark years of loneliness, I can see an incredible transformation of my life after my meeting with Jesus. I went on to read through the Bible every year for 6 years. Each time I would do this, I learned more and more, and the confusing parts became more clear (many of them, not all). I am now thankful for that time in the desert … I needed it to bring me to the realization that Jesus is all I need and my relationship with Him became so much closer. That realization also improved my relationship with others – I no longer had the expectation that they would fill holes in my heart.

There have been many times since then that I wander close to the desert, neglecting my relationship with God by not reading scripture or praying, and I notice a vast difference that makes in my life – not in a good way. God is not far from me, I wander away from Him. But thankfully, it’s easier for me to recognize the truth and not listen to the lies that swirl around in my insecure head, and I make my way back to Him.

If you are lonely, you are not alone. Make time for a come to Jesus meeting, seek Him out through scripture, pray and ask ALL of your questions (none will surprise Him) … He is there, waiting for you so you will never be lonely again.